Gutless

Have you ever had so much that you want to say to someone but you just don’t have the guts to say it. There’s so many things I’ve wanted to say to so many people. But I hate confrontation. So I’d rather apologize for something I’ve not done than start a fight.

I need to stop saying sorry because then I do what I’ve been doing where I dwell on everything I wish I’d said and you start thinking about recent conversations and before long you’re back at your 7th birthday wishing you had told Miss Diamond it was Lewis making the bird noises not you and you could have avoided detention.

I wish I had the balls to  stand up for myself because I don’t remember the last time I did. I don’t remember a time I ever did. A friend of mine called me out on it recently. He told me if I didn’t like what people were saying I had to stop them saying it. How d you do that? When you’ve been a mouse all your life surrounded by cats how do you squeak and not get eaten?

There’s so much I want to say and for once I want someone to listen rather than shove their opinions over the top and tell me mine are wrong. How can you make someone listen when they just don’t want to hear it? If I could tie someone to a chair and duct tape their mouth so all they could do is sit and listen that would be goals but I’m pretty sure that’s not legal.

People tell me it’s a confidence thing and they think I can do it easy. People think I think I’m this indestructible force to be reckoned with. But I’m not. Any confidence I’ve ever had is false. its always been false for as long as I can remember. I say fake it till you make it but I’ve still never managed to get past the fake part.

I can’t take it. I can’t keep telling people I’m sorry when I don’t even know what I’m sorry for. When I thought I was the one hurting and still I’m the one saying sorry. Every story has 2 sides but the only things that ever seem to her mine are my diary, the shower and the people I shouldn’t be able to see. Every where is always so crowded now they’re everywhere all the time and it scares me. I don’t remember what quiet sounds like because they’re always shouting. I want it to stop. I want it all to stop. I want everything to stop.

MESSED UP teenage drama queen

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